Those first few weeks after your baby is born feel like a whirlwind. There are sleepless nights. First feedings. And so much love and excitement. You’re tired and awestruck and it feels like you’re walking around in a daze much of the time!
And suddenly you’re sitting there on the edge of the table at your six-week checkup and your doctor gives you the go-ahead and you’re like “Go-ahead…for what?”
But the doc gives you the nod and your husband, who’s likely been counting down the days for six weeks, is standing there beside you, thinking he’s going to get lucky tonight.
And you’re just like… UGH. Really? No. I don’t feel ready.
And even if I felt physically ready, I certainly don’t feel turned on.
This is what I talk about in today’s video… this big lie we’re told about sex after baby: the lie that we’re supposed to be ready and willing in six weeks, like clockwork.
So this big lie, that you’re suddenly a sexual woman again who’s ready to get it on, even though you had a baby and maybe even stitches or a major surgery just six weeks ago!
And I’m here to say that it’s OKAY to not be ready. It’s OKAY to not feel sexual. It’s OKAY to not be ready for that level of intimacy.
Which is why I made today’s video. Because I wanted you to know that you’re normal. And that not being ready is normal. And that it’s NOT okay for people (your doctor, your partner, and even you) to pressure you because you’re not ready.
But I want to take a moment and talk about what it means to BE READY for sex after baby and how you can get there. Just understand that every woman’s journey is different and only time and you can decide when you’re ready to move back to sexual intimacy with your partner.
Wait Until You’re Healed
First things first, mama. Don’t rush sex after having a baby. You may be bruised. You may have been cut or torn. And there’s no reason to move too quickly and do further damage. It’s just not worth it.
So if you still feel sore at your six-week appointment, talk to your doctor about it. If you don’t find the support you need there, consider following up with a doula or a pelvic floor specialist. They can address any issues with healing and help you determine when you’re physically ready.
Embrace Some Self Care
Just because the body isn’t ready, doesn’t mean the mind is. In those first weeks and months after your baby’s born, it’s easy to get caught up in the tides. Suddenly, you’re all mom, all the time, and that’s not good for anybody.
So take an afternoon or evening off for some much-needed self care. Ask your mom to watch the baby so you can soak in a hot tub and just relax. Or head to the salon and get a mani-pedi. Do whatever it is that makes you feel like you.
And remember that having fun and connecting with your tribe is also self care! So if you haven’t seen your besties since before the baby was born, schedule a ladies’ spa day. Or if you’re missing your sister, call her up for lunch and a matinee. Taking time away from the baby is necessary to being a healthy, happy, and satisfied mama!
Most importantly, take your time. And before you even think about getting it on, have an open and honest talk with your partner. Communicate your concerns, whether they revolve around pain, discomfort, or body confidence.
Then begin the journey back to intimacy one step at a time. Maybe you engage in some self love. Or maybe, like Charlie and me, practice giving and receiving pleasure without penetration. This can take away some of the stress of “Is it going to hurt?” without losing the connection sex brings.
On this same note, let your libido build over time. It’s natural for desire to ebb and flow, especially in early motherhood. You can nurture it, help it grow, but be patient because it does take some time to become comfortable again as a sensual and sexual woman.
And please, mama, be gentle to yourself in this delicate time. You deserve it. And you’re doing a great job.
You’ll get there when you’re ready.
Hope this was helpful! I invite you to share your experience with sex after baby and tell me your thoughts in the comments!