One of the most common questions I get asked is, “what can I do to spice up my sex life and make sex fun again?”
I would estimate I get asked this question 3-5 times per week by moms whose once steamy sex life has, over time, gradually been reduced to a stale, boring and infrequent routine that leaves both her and her partner feeling frustrated, dissatisfied and romantically disconnected.
You know that feeling you get after you do something adventurous – like skydiving or riding a roller coaster, or giving birth? The rush of adrenaline; the tingle of exhilaration. This is the same feeling you know you should still have in your sex life.
But after years of partnership, with kids in the house, for most moms, sex becomes more routine than a rollercoaster, more familiar than fantastic.
This week, as I prepare to launch my new ‘Change Your Sex Life This Weekend' online course, I've been thinking about ways to simplify the process of spicing up your sex life.
The first tip I'd typically recommend to is to simply get away from your kids, for at least one night, no matter what it takes.
Yes, it’s thrilling to score a weekend away from the kids with your partner. Plus, hotel sex is almost always amazing sex, right?
Of course! Hotel sex is so hot because the environment always feels new and novel. There are fresh sheets to roll around in, mini-bars to raid, room service to be delivered and someone else to clean up your mess!
Even a single night away from the kids at a hotel feels like a real break from the routine.
But, it’s not always a simple thing to get that “we-time,” away from the children.
You may not have family close by to watch them, or a budget to spend on a night away. And so, a night at a hotel doesn’t feel that simple.
Another fab way I encourage couples to spice up their sex life is by exploring roleplay and fantasies.
Using your imagination to create fantasy play with your partner is a sure-fire secret to a sex life full of variety and spice.
But again, if one partner feels shy, or just not that into playing student/teacher or madame/gigolo… then once again, putting the steam in your love-making routine just isn't that simple.
So here it is… My one, simple trick to spice up your sex life: JUST TRY SLOWING DOWN WHILE YOU MAKE LOVE.
I know this sounds counter-intuitive. You hear the phrase “spice up your sex life” and you immediately think, faster, harder, wilder, kinkier.
But that’s not necessarily true. Believe me, slow can be very, very sexy!
Slowing down whilst making love is about savoring the moment with your partner. Having slow, exploratory sex with no goal in mind can feel really new, different and much, much spicier than your average “kissing – touching – penetration” routine.
So step one- get the kids out of the house! Get organized and plan in advance to get a sitter, your family member or your best friend to take the kids for an afternoon, evening… or even better, a sleepover.
Then, fully embrace a “slower sex session” where you take at least a full 60 minutes to rediscover making out, sensual massage and slowly caressing each other’s bodies. You can even explore the surprisingly intimate sensation of simply gazing into one another’s eyes for an extended period (if that doesn’t weird you out!).
You can slowly rotate through sensual pleasures like massaging one another, oral sex and exploring a variety of new positions.
A “slow sex session” mentality allows for kissing every inch of each other’s bodies before oral sex, for taking short breaks, incorporating a couples’ vibrator, dancing together, manual stimulation, and more.
Slowing down during sex, instead of racing towards your climax, is more about reconnecting sensually without pressure or expectation. And that’s a pretty novel idea when you’re used to the Big O being the main attraction!
This approach might feel refreshing and surprisingly easy, or it may feel awkward and clumsy. Either way, it will feel new. It will certainly feel more intimate than your average Saturday night Quickie. And it will feel as though you’ve made an effort to spice up your sex life while also boosting intimacy.
After you give this a try, I suggest you take a moment to seal in the magic you just created together with some post-coital pillow talk.
Tell each other what felt great about this “slow approach” and why.
Something like, “Babe, my orgasm felt amazing having had soooo much more foreplay. What you did with your hands, and then your tongue, and then that toy, made me see stars. I’m so happy we did that!”
Then, ask what really worked for your partner. Do this all while maintaining loving physical contact. While it may seem odd, congratulating yourselves and celebrating the slower sex you just had will go miles towards strengthening your bond as lovers.
So I hope this inspires a super-hot, slow and sexy weekend. Please let me know your feedback and ideas in the comments section below.
And if you feel you might want or need more help revitalizing your sex life after kids, check out my brand new digital course www.ChangeYourSexLifeThisWeekend.com