Today I’m going to share one of my best tips on how to make “scheduled sex” feel more exciting. You see, one of the biggest complaints I hear from parents (and truthfully, more so from dads), is that once kids come into the picture, sex becomes a strictly scheduled affair. Gone are the days of impromptu sex – an a.m. quickie before rising out of bed, an outdoor rollaround after a boozy night out, a passionate middle-of-the-night rendezvous. I mean, think about it for a second… when was the last time you had a completely spontaneous sex session?
It’s no surprise that you probably can’t remember. As busy, active, hyper-engaged and often-exhausted parents, our sex lives tend to get scheduled around our children’s schedules. We plan to have sex when they nap. We plan to have sex when they’re (finally!) asleep. We plan to have sex when they’re propped up in front of a movie. We plan to have sex before we head out on our date nights.
Don’t get me wrong, I think planning sex is a good thing for parents. Because if we didn’t plan it — especially during the “little years” when our kids are under 5 — most couples probably wouldn’t ever have it. And then more of us would be divorced. So, planning sex helps keep you connected and happily married. So, I say, yay for scheduled sex!
But along with having “planned, scheduled sex” comes a nagging suspicion… Many husbands wonder, “if we have to plan it every time, does that mean it’s an obligation for her? Just another thing in her calendar?” Of course, women can feel the same way! And NO ONE, I repeat, NO ONE wants to think that their spouse is only having sex out of obligation, or simply as a means to cross off another item on the To Do list. That’s a huge turn-off.
And yet, as I said, planning sex is a necessity for most couples-with-kids. It’s important to create a practice of consistently carving out time to be intimate. It can actually be invigorating to pencil in your sexy time together– think of the conversation as taking a positive action together to build momentum in your relationship. It’s actually a genuine show of commitment towards your mutual satisfaction even amidst the mutual exhaustion that comes along with active parenting.
But then, what’s the secret to keep scheduled sex from becoming something that’s too organized? too business-like? too repetitive? too monotonous?
I’ll tell you. The magic happens during pillow talk, right after you make love, and there are two simple elements: Celebrate & Schedule.
First, you CELEBRATE the sex you just had by expressing your mutual pleasure. Say what felt great, and why. Something like, “Babe, I feel amazing after that orgasm. What you did with your hands made me see stars… I’m so glad we did that!” Then, ask what really worked for him. Do this all while maintaining loving physical contact. While it may seem odd, congratulating yourselves and celebrating the sex you just had will go miles towards boosting intimacy and strengthening your bond as lovers.
Next, talk about SCHEDULING in the next opportunity you’ll have to create more great sex. Because your body and mind are freshly lit-up with pleasure, planning the next session right then and there should feel like a joy – not an obligation or something else you have to pencil into your week. It’s also a perfect opportunity to express a sensual desire you’d like to fulfill with your love. You might say something like, “That felt so good… Next time I’d love to try this position / that maneuver / this new toy / etc. So, how’s Thursday morning for you, babe?”
This approach makes scheduling sex a beautiful, expressive, passionate celebration, all while creating genuine anticipation for your next session together.
In that moment, it will feel like something you get to do, rather than something you have to do. You’ll have a specific date and time to look forward to, fantasize about, and mentally prepare for. It’s like making a pact in the enchanted moment to have another satisfying experience together in the near future — a romantic tryst that can conjure desire with a subtle glance and the mere mention of Thursday.
I think you get the picture. This approach is a subtle, simple shift in how you and your spouse can communicate, plan for, and then celebrate, the sex you’re having. Give it a try and you’ll soon see how much more passionate, fun and awesome “scheduled sex” becomes.