As a sex and relationship coach, people always ask me questions about sex. And more often than not, the questions asked are not the how-do-Is or the have-you-evers. No. The most common questions tend to focus on one word… Normal.
What’s normal? Am I normal?
And now that I work with parents, especially mamas with younger kids, the question is almost always, “How often do NORMAL couples have sex after kids?”
Because we all know what happens to your sex life after you’ve had kids, right?
I mean, it plummets. Sometimes it fully disappears.
And you know what? THAT’S NORMAL. Seriously.
So I made this Truth Bomb Mom video all about what my research has shown me about how often couples have sex after they have kids. And I share my own experience and how often Charlie and I have sex (it’s probably not as much as you think). And I tell you my interpretation of all of that and what it means to you.
But the number of times “normal” couples have sex isn’t the most important part of the video. Not even close. The most important part is that what’s normal for me, or for your sister, or for your best friend, may not be what’s normal for you and that’s OKAY.
Let me say that again. It’s okay for your normal to be different than someone else’s. How often you have sex – and what’s NORMAL for your unique relationship — should be defined by you and your partner in a healthy, honest conversation.
So talk about what each of you wants, what you need to feel turned on, and then try to collaborate to find a frequency that works for you both!
And on that note, there are a few things I hope you’ll keep in mind as you explore the possibilities that exist when you choose to follow your own rules in creating a sex life that feels normal and healthy and thriving to YOU:
Quality Is More Important Than Quantity
Remember that one adventurous, intimate, mind-blowing session every two weeks can mean way more than meeting some weekly quota with mediocre, routine sex. If you’re worried that your frequency is “below average” please quit focusing on how much sex you’re having and instead work to have BETTER SEX. Enthusiastically explore your partner’s body (and your own) and observe the changes that have occurred since you’ve become parents. Just observe, don’t judge. Get to know each other again and relish in the experience.
Planning Sex Is MORE Than Okay
Many moms (and dads) get down on the fact that spontaneous sex all but disappears when you have kids. It’s just how it is for a while, and that’s okay. It’s NORMAL. The time for spontaneity will return, I promise. Plus, the anticipation of knowing that Thursday (or Tuesday, or Saturday) is THE NIGHT can be sexy and build your arousal leading up to the event, getting you excited and turned on. Besides, planned sex is WAY better than no sex at all!
Intercourse Doesn’t Always Have to Be on the Menu
You can let go of the notion that sex has to finish with “doing it”. Maybe you have just enough time and energy to make-out or give pleasure on a day where you don’t feel you need to receive it. It’s okay to be a giver if you don’t want to be sexually stimulated! I say any kind of intimacy counts — it all adds up to feeling more connected and paying attention to one another.
I hope this sheds some light on the common question of “how often do couples have sex after kids” and also gives you some inspiration to forget about what other people are doing and to stop trying to keep up with the Joneses – and feel bad if you’re not — and to really create your own “new normal” for a healthy sex life after kids.
And as always, I wanna know… What do you think? How often would you like to have sex? And what about your partner? And are you open to having a conversation that finds a way to meet one another somewhere in the middle — for the sake of keeping your relationship feeling strong and sexy? Or, is having a number a useful guideline to keep you and your spouse connected?
Please give it a thought and share your comments below…
See you next time!
Totally feel like it’s hard to be honest with other women/mothers when the topic comes up. I definitely lie and I feel even more ashamed after about lying. But truth is I’m lying to myself about how great my sex life is and not actually doing anything to change that. Thanks for the tips. Always great to hear re-enforcement on what is important and what works for one doesn’t work for all. I just need to schedule some sex time with my husband more than once a month because lately that’s all it’s been. Thank you! Love your videos
Hey there – thanks so much for this SUPER HONEST comment… and really, for sharing the self-awareness you have around “lying to yourself.” We all do it, but once we recognize it’s what we’re doing, it can be super powerful to move us toward CHANGE. Keep me posted…