Keeping positive, sensual and exciting vibes flowing in my marriage and sex life is super important to me. (Duh. If you’re reading this blog, you probably already know that!) My sex life is truly the ‘playground’ where I go to cultivate connectedness and creativity with myself and my husband – it’s a key element to maintaining a happy, healthy, satisfied life.
But while freshness and flow often comes naturally in my relationship, sometimes it’s hard to maintain our mojo in the sex department. We’re just like everyone else in that area! A fight lingers and its effects trickle into the bedroom, a kid gets sick and our regular “sex schedule” gets off track, or we fall prey to the feeling that we’ve “tried it all” and bedroom boredom starts to creep in. No matter what the reason, all marriages – mine, included – fall into a sex rut from time to time. I know you feel me here…
Now, there’s no question, maintaining a hot sex life over the course of a monogamous, long-term marriage takes WORK — but you and I both know that it can be worth every ounce of effort. I want to stay married for the rest of my life, and happily so. And I know that a lifelong partnership depends on continually reinventing our connection, reinvigorating our mojo, and playing our way out of the ruts we all naturally fall into. We must commit and recommit ourselves to that process time and time again!
When you notice your relationship and sex life are feeling bogged down in boredom and stuck in the “tired parenting” zone, where obligatory once-a-week sex turns into once-a-month sex, I want you to be the leader and step it up. You can be the sensual force that takes action and leads your relationship back to a more tuned-in and turned-on place.
So, in today’s blog I share three tips for breaking out of a rut and making married sex fun again. Use these tools when you find yourself in a ‘blah’ run or dry spell with your partner to proactively move yourselves into a more connected, turned on, playful state of relationship. (Because, let’s not forget…Sex is fun!!)
Tip No 1: Acknowledge you’re in a rut.
The first step is to acknowledge the issue. Saying it out loud does wonders to clear the air and immediately makes space for change. Let your partner know you’re feeling the funk between you and that you want to want to work on it together. More than likely, he’ll feel relieved that you’re taking the lead.
Tell him you want to treat your sensual connection as if it’s a full-time job. Because, hey – it IS a full time job for the rest of your life if you want to stay happily married!
So, check in. Say, “Hey babe, our sex life feels like it’s in a rut and I want us to find our sexy connection again. Wanna talk about it?”
Then, be inquisitive and ask your partner questions – what’s going on in his life that you may not have noticed? What’s weighing heavily on his mind that might be affecting his sex drive? Is he stressed out at work? Trying to fend off a midlife crisis? Or, perhaps you’ve recently turned down several advances, so he’s stopped trying because he feels like he’s bugging you. So many things can create distractions and momentary ruts in a marriage, so be curious and don’t judge or react impulsively to what you hear. Just start to unlock the rut with genuine curiosity about your partner and some healthy conversation.
When you take the initiative to confront what’s happening and gently get to the bottom of what’s going on, you’ll easily see the rut for what it is — a brief blip, often devoid of deep meaning, and an opportunity for you to recommit, recharge, and jump back in the sack.
Tip No. 2: Start having more sex.
Sometimes, the sex gets boring and the dry spells grow longer… and then poof, you realize you’re only making love once every 3-4 weeks. It may even feel as if the passion has dried up and you’re unsure how to get started again. Perhaps you even begin to panic, thinking ‘OMG, I’m too young to have no sex life! This is the end! How are we going to stay married for another 50 years like this?!’
DON’T PANIC! It’s just a moment. The quick fix to jumpstart yourselves out of the rut is to just start having more sex — even if it’s more bad sex.
That’s right, a commitment to boost the frequency is going to move you into a new place. Try making out again. Move slowly and feel everything. Soften your heart, and make some space to rekindle the connection with the man you love. Then, soften up some more and lean in to the experience of sex without expectation.
After you get started, just be curious to see where it takes you. Have decent sex on a Monday. Then have better sex on a Wednesday. Then, have boring sex on a Friday. Then, epic sex on a Sunday.
When you’re finding your way out of the rut, it’s important to take the pressure off having intense, passionate sex every time. That’s just not realistic, and it’ll set you up to feel disappointed.
What you want to do is focus on finding a renewed frequency that’ll help you two find the FUN again. It’s the frequency that’ll make space for a variety of sexual “energies” to arise between you — one day heated, the next time tender, a few days later dirty and raw, then loving and spiritual. Catch my drift? Having all those ‘flavors’ together is FUN, and it helps you remember just how fun and connective sex can be. (If you’re only having sex once a week, there’s not enough opportunity to do that.)
So don’t make it harder than it has to be. There’s no need to go off the deep end or panic. Your sex life can pick up again just as easily as it dropped off. Just get back in motion, mama.
Tip No. 3: Try Something New
If you don’t feel you can use frequency to break out of your sex rut, instead focus on using variety to break up the stale vibe between you two.
Here are some examples…
If you usually lay in bed waiting for your spouse to make a move, switch it up and make a move on him first, before he can get to you.
If you usually find yourself reaching orgasm in a certain position every time, try experimenting with a different position and commit to finding your way to the Big O in a new way, even if it takes longer.
If you usually head to bed in a lacy chemise for sex? Try being naked instead. If you usually head to bed naked for sex, try throwing on a chemise!
The change doesn’t have to be wild or profound; even a subtle tweak to the routine can be enough to resuscitate your sexlife. And, by all means, if you think it’s time to be more adventurous, head down that path together. So try on a little something different, shake things up a bit, and take a fresh, imaginative look at all of the sensual possibilities there are to explore.
I hope these tips help you to play your way out of the next ho-hum run or dry spell in your sex life. Remember, your marriage will fall into a rut again and again over the course of a lifetime — especially when you’re juggling parenthood and all of the pressures that come along with it.
It’s important to recognize that ruts are perfectly normal, understand them for what they are, and continuously work to pull yourself out. Use this simple advice to reboot, refresh, and recharge your mojo and you’ll be feeling satisfied again in no time.
Feel free to leave comments below and let me know how these tools worked for you!
Now go have some sex, mama!